The Littlest Cooking Show

Hello, Everyone, and welcome to LET’S GET SPELLING. Today we have a very special show for you, one that we know will just be kinds of helpful around the house. You ever open the cupboard and think, I forgot to do any shopping! — and then you suddenly realize, omigod, you have company coming? Well, relax, because we can help you build that all-important spell party with just three ingredients. That’s right, only three! I know! I am just as amazed as you! But when my producer Jennifer — that’s Jennifer over there, say hi, Jennie! — came to me, I thought to myself “Shut up!”… and of course she did but I was able to unshut her and then, wonder of wonders, she told me all about ménage-à-trio spells! It’s soooo European, don’t you think! And best of all, we’ve keep it to the kind of basic ingredients you usually find stuck back there after last year’s coven party.

Now, for example, here’s a lovely little spell that will turn that annoying guest into a toad for a short while — oh, and we’ve all had one of those, haven’t we… Uh huh, you know what I’m talking about! But this is so incredibly easy! I swear, you’re not going to believe it. We take a quarter pound of butter, a quarter pound of toadstools, and 3 ounces of toad sweat, put them in a blender, set for puree — and look at that! Now is that easy?

Oh, you want to see it work? Franklin! Everybody, my stage manager Franklin. Ya feelin’ a bit froggy today, Frankie? No? Well, just take a bit of — no, Frankie, I promise it’s all right! It’s not permanent! I promise Sheila will never know what you were up to when you get home tonight. Just… there we go… and

KA-WHAM!!

ribbit ribbit

Isn’t that amazing? And only three ingredients, ladies! Oh, but I know what you’re thinking: toad sweat. Right? It’s not like everyone keeps a bottle of toad sweat lying around. Ah, but I bet that if your cupboard is like mine, you do keep a small vial of… ta-dah! — pixie dust! I mean, please, we’re talking staples here, right? So! Another quarter pound of butter — or margarine if you’re looking to keep those pounds off! Remember: summer is coming, girls! — another quarter pound of garden-fresh (the best kind!) toadstools, and just a pinch! of pixie dust. Now isn’t that lovely, just like that? But we’re not finished: into the blender, hit the puree button once more, and…

KA-WHAM!

It’s an enchant spell that brings inanimate things to life! (Someone grab that blender, okay? I don’t want it running out of the studio again!) Pour a little of this on your salt and pepper shakers — like this — and… voila! How are you little guys today? Feeling spicy? Ladies, now your guests wont have to ask for someone to pass the salt — the salt can just walk right now there by itself! Now is that handy or what? Oh, and when you’re finished, just put them in the dishwasher and you can listen to their death screams during the rinse cycle! Super fun!

All right, finally, let’s say you want a party game of some kind. Everyone’s done Pin The Tail on the Village Virgin! Am I right? Bor-ing!! Well, this one can be just all kinds of super fun — and once again, it’s only three standard ingredients! I know, this is all just so amazing! All right, get out a glass bowl and put in three tablespoons of honey, six ounces of dragon tears, and a teaspoon of pixie dust. Mix thoroughly, but use a spoon, not your finger! Uh uh! No finger tasting allowed, not for this one!

All right, take some cheesecloth and fold it like so, then like so, and lay it on top of the mixture, then gently press down, so some of it gets on the cloth. Don’t press too hard — this is very, very gentle… Now you lift it up, and look at that? Isn’t that pretty? Stunning, I tell you. Now, can I get a volunteer from the audience? Yes, you, madam, come on up here. What’s your name? Flora? — let’s all give Flora a big round of applause, shall we? Now, I’m just going to apply this to you like a sort of blindfold, like so… How’s that feel? All tingly? Good! Okay, someone get Frankie back out here?

ribbit ribbit

And we’ll just delicately remove the cheesecloth — and oh, my, will you look at that, ladies. I have seen princesses kissing frogs before because they got a lovestruck potion, but will you look at those two! Sheila honey? I hope you’re not watching!! Kidding! Just kidding! She’ll be over it in just a — no, Flora, frogs are not meant to — Jennie? I could use a hand out here, honey!

Okay, after the break, get out your wizard’s eyelashes and your golden thread and your llama spit. That’s right: it’s time for everyone’s favorite segment, IT’S SO RETRO!!

(Grab that damn blender!)

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