31. And on the Fifth Day, having created the Heavens and the Earth and finding them Good, the LORD GOD sat amidst His Animals of the Field and His Fish of the Waters and His Birds of the Air and smiled, for yeh, it was all Good.
32. And yet, GOD looked about and said unto HImself, I shall make a new creature, of the dirt of the ground and the water of the river and the air of the sky. And He fashioned this creature with His hands and said, I shall call this Man. And it was good.
33. And when the Man did open his eyes, GOD said unto him, Rise, for thy name is Adam and ye shall be the caretaker of all My domain, yeh unto all the animals and the fish and the birds. And Adam did give thanks. And GOD looked about the Garden and realized that Adam needed a helpmate, and so He knelt down and created a second creature of the dirt and the waters and the air and said, I shall call this one Steve.
34. And Steve did rise and look upon Adam, and Adam did look upon Steve, and both gave thanks to GOD. And God said unto them, Be fruitful. And thus was the morning and the evening of the Fifth Day.
35. And on the Sixth Day, God did come to the Garden and found it beautifully re-landscaped with an eye for form and design, with lilacs and rhodedendrons in abundance and periwinkle for just the right accent. And GOD found a smartly designed cabin with impeccable Mid-century furnishings and a fully equipped sauna and exercise room and a master bedroom with 2,000-count cotton-linen sheets and a kitchen whose metal countertops blindeth and madeth the LORD GOD weep with joy. And He did say unto them,
36. I am much delighted in this.
37. And they did shout Praise GOD for His goodness, and they did shew GOD other amazing things they had created in His absence, like Provençal cooking and club music and eighteen ways to tighten one’s core and black and white Italian films with everyone in chiaroscuro. And the LORD GOD was pleased, and the wine — an amusing Cabernet with a nutty aftertaste — did flow like the mightiest river, and there was much dancing until late in the night. And when the sun rose, the LORD GOD said, Thou hast done well, my good and faithful servants.
38. But there was another creature in the Garden who did not dance and who did not partake of the wine and whose core was not tight. And he looked upon Adam and Steve and was exceedingly wroth, for he knew nothing of German sportscars or double-stitch hemming, and he wept, and his eyes were green as Irish Spring soap. And the creature came unto Steve and did say, Thou hast done amazing things, and yet thou couldst do even more. For I can teach you of knowledge that which the LORD GOD has forbidden you.
37. And Steve did say, Forbidden? The LORD GOD has forbidden us nothing, creature. Away with you, and take thy silly temptation withst thee.
38. And the creature did say unto Steve, The LORD GOD has forbidden nothing? Yeh, dost thou know about football and engine repair and negotiating a business deal and lo, all the other things a Real Man shouldst know?
39. And Steve did say, Truly, I realize there are only two of us, but dost thou really think we are naught but fairy stereotypes?
40. And the creature was vexed and did say unto Steve, But hast the LORD GOD told thee of other, exceedingly important things a Real Man should know, like stripper poles?
41. Got one, sayeth Steve.
42. Tantric sexual positions?
43. Way ahead of you, sayeth Steve with a grin.
44. Men’s magazines with two-fisted articles about weasels rendering one’s flesh asunder on the Island of Bloodthirsty Warrior Women?
45. And Steve did utter a sigh and said unto the creature, Truly, get a life.
46. But —
47. And Steve did laugh and sayeth unto the creature, Hie thee, foolish creature. I will no longer listen to thee, for thou dost not know the difference between a simple Zinfandel and a proper Varietal. Thy core is soft and thou dost not know how to dance. And Steve did return unto his helpmate Adam and told him all that had transpired, and they did laugh and laugh and told GOD of this, and He did laugh as well before snapping His fingers and making the creature disappear in a puff of foul smoke suggestive of musky armpits that had not seen a shower in lo so many weeks.
48. And Adam did say unto all in the gathering, Lo, I have made something to please the LORD GOD. And GOD did marvel at this and said, This pie is enchantment! From what madeth thou it?
49. And Adam did reply, Yeh, LORD, an apple.
If you enjoyed this, consider purchasing the first collection of “The Littles”, found here on Amazon.