The Littlest Princes

“Hey! C’mon in!”

“You’re sure it’s not too late? I didnt — ”

“Dude, come on! We havent seen you since the wedding! Then you call, and man, gotta tell you, you sounded like… well, crap.”

“… Yeah.”

“Get in here! Sit down! So… what’s up? Everything okay?”

“… Yeah… No… No, it’s not. Me ‘n’ Cindy, we’ve…”

“You’ve had problems.”

“… Yeah.”

“Say no more, dude. I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

“No! You too?”

“Yeah. Everything was fine at first, then.. I dont know… things changed. She starts hanging out with her… posse… and even now they’re all holed up at that Princess Castle place, and — ”

“Princess Castle! I dont believe this! You too? Man, I thought your marriage was perfect! I mean, totally!”

“Yeah, so did I. Now, I hardly ever see her.”

“Oh man, I can so relate! I mean, I tried to be the understanding husband about all this, but even I gotta admit, she’s… just not all there. We go to a party, and even now, after all this time, she has this… thing… that we have to leave by midnight. If we’re not home by the stroke of twelve on the dot, she just loses it. Like, what is that all about? And you know the kicker?”

“What’s that?”

“When we go to bed, every damn night, she has to wear that stupid shoe. You ever been impaled at 3AM by a glass stiletto? Serious pain. But I put up with it because, you know, I care about her. She had a rough life, no question about it. First an orphan, then that totally dysfunctional family of hers… Couldnt have been easy… but once, just once, I’d like to hear a little gratitude.”

“Dude. Please. Gratitude? If it werent for me, my wife’d be a rotting corpse in a glass coffin. Think I get even a bit of respect for saving her from that?”

“… You’re joking, right?”

“Nope. I’m the guy that had to kiss a dead chick in order to get married.”

“… Wow. I had no… Oh man, that really… wow…”

“Yeah, so now she’s up there in that stupid Princess Castle with all her little Princess buddies — ”

“Like my wife!”

“Like your wife, exactly. I mean, just what the hell are they doing, anyway? Doing their nails? Trading ball gowns? Comparing near-death experiences?”

“… Well, look, I dont want to be the one to tell you, but…”

“But what?”

“See, the way I hear it… they’re making movies up there. Lots and lots of movies. Real successful ones, too: it’s like there’s some kind of weird competition to see who can get the most sequels. And here’s the thing: those movies dont include us.”

“… What’re you saying, bud?”

“Think about it, man. Castle full of hot princess chicks and not one man in sight… and they’re making… you know… movies.”

“… No. No no no no no — ”

“Serious, man. They call it Princess Empowerment, but way I read it…”

“Okay, that’s it. Tonight I am getting royally drunk, and tomorrow I am getting royally divorced. C’mon, let’s get wasted.”


“… What time is it?”

“Three. Maybe four.”

“Oh man… I gotta get home. Thanks for the — ”

“Dont be stupid. You’re too drunk to drive, and I aint calling a cab.”

“Wha — ”

“C’mon, you can sleep here tonight.”

“You sure?”

“Of course I’m sure! It’s a huge freaking bed, more than enough room for both of us! Now, c’mon. Which side of the bed you want?”

“I dont care. I just…”

“What? Just say it. I’m too tired and too drunk to argue over who’s getting which side of the damn — ”

“No, stop. Look, can I ask a favour? And it’s gonna sound… I dunno… weird.”

“Just ask, for crying out loud.”

“I wanna… cuddle. Cindy never wanted to cuddle. Can we just… you know… cuddle?”

“Aww… my best bud wants to cuddle!… Dude! Of course we can! Sheessh, nothing wrong with a couple of princes cuddling. Now, c’mere. Here, put your — there. How’s that.”

“Great. Thanks. I needed this.”

“We both did, dude.”

“… This just feels… nice. Cindy never wanted to do this.”

“You ask me, Cindy’s an idiot. And Snowy’s an idiot. They’re both idiots.”

“You got that right.”

“I mean, what are we, chopped liver?”

“Hell no.”

“That’s right, hell no. We are… totally charming, am I not right? No! Wait. Better! Let’s just admit it: we are both totally charming, prime grade-D Disney beef, and those bimbos should be happy to land a couple of studs like us. I mean, look at us! You work out, right? Sure feels like it.”

“Yeah. I got a gym back at my place.”

“Dude, those are some biceps. Never know it under that idiot costume.”

“Thanks. I got this great personal trainer.”

“Certainly working. Maybe someday you can show me some of those workout routines, right? I mean, we’re gonna be back in the dating scene, so better get our princely wampum in order, huh?”

“Yeah… Maybe… maybe you’d like to come over for a work out sometime, huh… Cindy hates workouts. And I hate working out by myself…”

“That’d be great, man! Sure thing!”

“Great. Thanks.”

“Okay, enough talk. G’nite, ya big lunk.”


And they lived happily ever after…


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